Why Gillette is under no obligation to care about seal-clubbing

The recent Gillette commercial, unveiled a few weeks ago, was a landmark event in human history. It was a way to show the male gender exactly what they were doing wrong, and showed that if they didn’t change their ways, they’ll forever be condemned as Schick-using neanderthals.

The recent Gillette commercial, unveiled a few weeks ago, was a landmark event in human history. It was a way to show the male gender exactly what they were doing wrong, and showed that if they didn’t change their ways, they’ll forever be condemned as Schick-using neanderthals.

But as the weeks have gone by, it’s time we asked ourselves whether shaving brands have a duty to spread the light of progress into other areas of high toxicity. No longer a simple brand of shavers, the Gillette brand is now a symbol of change, progress and hope for all of us in these dark times.

Which leads us to the topic of seal clubbing. This form of clubbing, which has traditionally been a part of Canadian culture since the forming of the Americas (probably, I didn’t do any research for this article) is a supposedly barbaric practice which kills tens of thousands of young seal cubs each year. So far luckily, it’s not an issue which any brands want to get behind – after all, the killing of young seal cubs is never a bad thing in itself (they’d do the same thing to us if they had the chance). Similarly, there are those in the public sphere who would argue that clubbing is a harmless activity if you use the variant definition, an all-night clubbing event for rebellious young seal cubs, which to me sounds quite amusing and enticing. But this is merely a question of semantics, because I’m not referring to an all-night clubbing event, am I? I’m referring to murdering baby seals with clubs.

Now admittedly Gillette is, according to PETA, known to test its shaving products on animals. This is something which to certain pedantic people on the progressive-leaning side of politics, may see as bad thing. But I have faith that in 2019, we’ve moved past such trivial concerns and have learned to focus on what is actually, you know. Important.

Gillette, test away. The best men can be is to turn their toxic glances away from the baby seal bloodbath of progress and to admit that maybe, just maybe, their concern for animals is merely yet another deeply-entrenched instance of white male privilege.

The annual harp seal hunt takes place in Canada this year starting November 15th. Book tickets now. 

Valentine’s Day Message

I’ve never written about fruit before, and certainly never in a stream-of-consciousness format. But the truth is, from inside my mysterious government office (in which I am forever cocooned), I’ve decided to take up fruit-eating; not so much as a new and exciting tradition, but more as a way to fill an emptiness inside my heart.

A word of advice, however: if you’re looking to fill the emptiness inside your soul, it’s not a great idea to go for the admittedly tempting discounted cup of fruit at the entrance to the nearby supermarket. Because then you will be purposely filling your heart with unsatisfactory fructose, when really, your heart could instead be enriched by fruit picked off the tree of elsewhere.

In my defense, the emptiness in someone’s soul is not something that easily goes away, even when there’s a nearby supermarket. It’s Valentine’s Day after all, and many people would argue that empty souls are traditional filled and stuffed by St Valentine’s eternal mystery; that of human sexual connection, something I like to call ‘the fruit of lust’.

And so, for those whom lust’s rich fructose has no place to call itself home, allow PlanetVondelpark to soothe your deepest wounds, to breath heavily along your neck, and to remind you of the small but sweet kisses on the back of your neck (again) that you have admittedly never experienced, but which for someone like you (especially you) have felt all too real.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

The Japanese Jesus Conspiracy: Visiting the Christ Festival in Japan’s Aomori Prefecture

Recently I decided to attend the Christ Festival in Japan’s Aomori Prefecture, a ceremony which celebrates the strange notion that Jesus lived and died in Japan.

Recently I decided to attend the Christ Festival in Japan’s Aomori Prefecture, a ceremony which celebrates the strange notion that Jesus lived and died in Japan.

Held early on a Sunday morning, the Christ Festival seemed strangely unchristian; instead the entire service came across as remarkably Japanese. But when you learn the story behind this myth, everything becomes quite a lot clearer.

I was also lucky enough to spend some time with the local villagers of Shingo Village, some of whom ran ‘Christ-Stop’, a convenience store devoted to selling Japanese Jesus-related products.

So yes, it’s all a bit confusing. But watch the video below and you’ll see that, well, it all makes sense in a strange way. Don’t forget to let me know what you think and please subscribe. Praise Japanese Jesus.